Preparing for Your First Baby: Tips on the Big Picture to the Nitty-Gritty
Photo by designhorf on Unsplash
I found out yesterday that some of my favorite folks are expecting their first baby. Here is my advice to them - I hope it will be helpful for others, too.
Aside from the physical symptoms that can make pregnancy (and being the partner to a pregnant person) challenging, I remember it as being a pretty great time in my life. My hope is that you are enjoying it as well, and that the tough parts are outweighed by the fun parts. There is so much to look forward to with meeting your baby!
Here are my thoughts for you that range from big-picture advice about preparing for a new chapter in life to the nitty-gritty advice that I hope makes things a bit easier or better for you in some way.
You might think you have ruined your life. This might sound awful, but I think it is important to share the realness of being a parent. It is hard. Really hard. I very much loved my pre-baby life; it was amazing. Several days into my life as a mom, I told my husband that I was pretty sure we had ruined our lives. On purpose! What were we thinking? The good news is that it does get better (not as easy and care-free as before, but much better). Nearly every parent I know has shared a similar experience. It is normal. YOU are normal if you have thoughts like this. It's okay to name that it is hard and to feel overwhelmed at times. If you feel like this most of the time, that's also normal but means you deserve to get some help to feel better. More on that next.
Be on the lookout for PPD/PPA. I feel lucky to not have experienced post-partum depression or post-partum anxiety, but many of my friends have walked through these dark forests. Before the baby is born, learn about the symptoms of these two conditions and ensure that others close to you learn about them too so that they can be on the lookout and help you quickly get help if you need it.
Get used stuff. I am now a prolific "giver" and "getter" of childrens' items on Facebook swap groups and at swap events. I wish I had known about them before my first was born. Search for local kids' swaps and on Facebook for local buy-sell-trade groups. To ensure safety, you should buy a few things - like cribs and carseats - brand new in most cases. For just about everything else, get it used. I wasted money on things like a baby bath, nursing pillows, a glider, baby play mats, swaddle blankets, baby pajamas, and dozens of other things that we could have gotten barely used from other parents for free or very cheap. Do a good thing for your wallet and the environment and join these groups to find what you need and give away or sell what you do not need.
Prep easy meals. We appreciated having simple meals in the freezer to heat up after our first was born: lasagna and frozen pizza were easy to keep ourselves fed when we were sleep-deprived and baby was our top priority. I also loved having a few dozen muffins I had baked in the freezer - when I did not have time for a full meal, I could just microwave one or two of those for 30 seconds and have a quick snack.
Join a parents' group. This is one of the most important pieces of advice I have for you. Parenting is tough, and joining a support group will make a world of difference. These are traditionally focused on moms, but there are dads' groups too if you look. There are typically two types: drop-in groups (for example, our local Kaiser has a weekly parents group for families with children under 12 months old that I loved), and smaller cohort groups with the same group of people over time. I have done both, and I enjoyed them both in different ways. When my son was born, I joined a Second Time Moms' Group that has been amazing. I am still in touch with the 8 other moms in the group most days of the week about everything from kids to TV shows to the earthquake we all felt the other night. It is truly lovely to have a group of people in the same life stage as me to connect with. We even do Moms' Night Out every few months without kids. Please find a great group like this - it will be one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Get into a great TV show. Especially if you are nursing, you will have a lot of time to sit around in the early months. Find a great TV show to watch - I recommend it is not one that you must watch with your partner (if you have one), and that it is not so new that there are only a few seasons. With my second child, I fell in love with The Good Wife. The West Wing is another great one if you like politics and good government. It takes some energy to get into a show, so choose a show or two before the baby arrives by watching the first few episodes. Then you'll have something for which to look forward.
Change your Facebook game. Facebook can be a positive place to find support. It is not a replacement for an in-person, local parent support group as mentioned above. But it can be a good way to ask quick questions or just connect with others. Find one for the month and year your child is born to connect with parents whose children are exact age of your child. Find one to swap clothes with your child's monogram (yes, these exist too) if that's your thing. Find one for parents raising multilingual children if that applies to you. Find one with other parents who share your religious background. Find one for people who listen to the same parenting podcasts as you. The options are endless.
The adult things. Unless you are very wealthy, you likely need life insurance to help ensure that your child and/or surviving partner is financially in an acceptable place if something happens to one or both of you. It's a little morbid, but your child is dependent on you taking care of these types of things. You also could likely benefit from a living trust and a will. It costs some money to get these things in place, but will save a lot of heartache and hassle if something happens to you. If you are in the Bay Area, we thought Cassandra Massey was great with which to work. Tell her we sent you and she'll make a donation to the local food bank.
Assign someone to get the meal train going. If you think friends and family bringing by meals would be helpful after baby arrives, ask someone close to you to get that setup and shared with your people once the baby arrives. Tell them some useful details: the time of day you would want meals to arrive and anything you dislike or for which you are allergic. Ask them to put a note that it is easiest for people to quickly drop off food and not stay for a visit - playing host to visitors is something best kept off the plate of brand new parents in those early weeks.
Newborn pictures. We enjoyed getting great photos taken of both of our kids when they were born. We have heard from photographers that between 5 days and 7 days old is ideal. You will want to have picked a photographer and tentative date (we all know babies arrive when they want) before they are born if you would like to do this.
Prepare to recover from birth and early nursing. There are lots of different physical experiences people have recovering from giving birth. Here are some things that were helpful to me or my close friends after giving birth: Silhouettes (way easier logistically than pads for after giving birth), Dermoplast spray, C-section panties, and Lansinoh.
Lactation consultants. If you are planning to breastfeed your baby, know that for some moms it is pretty straightforward and for others (like me), it is not immediately easy. There can be lots of challenges - from serious pain for mom to tongue ties for babies (my oldest had one) to positioning and infections and enzyme issues and latch and all sorts of other things. My health plan included access to lactation consultants, but I found private consultants to be much more helpful. And, in my area, they even come to your home for the consultations. This was some of the best money I ever spent (about $200). You can find recommendations in local Facebook groups, and the earlier you get help with breastfeeding challenges, the better. For the Bay Area, I highly recommend East Bay Lactation Associates.
A checklist for after the baby is born. There are a number of things that you cannot take care of before the baby is born. As you can imagine, once the baby arrives you will have a lot more on your hands. Keeping a list of things to do once the baby is born can help you get things off your mind and know that you have a place to keep track of them. Ideally, the non-birthing partner can take ownership of completing these tasks. They will be different for everyone, but here are some things that we needed/wanted to get done after baby arrived:
Order a covered breast pump. This is, in many cases, covered by health insurance. But not until the baby is born. For our HMO (Kaiser), there's a simple phone number to call once baby has arrived and they will ship your breast pump to your house a few days later. Even if you have a pump already, grabbing an extra one if it's covered is not a bad idea. You might keep one at work and one at home, for example. Or one in your car. Or you can pass along the extra one to someone who needs it but does not have health insurance.
Get the baby's birth certificate. A copy of this, at least where we live, does not arrive automatically. It requires a trip to the courthouse and paying $30.
Adding the baby to your health insurance. This is also often not automatic - make sure you know the steps to get your child added to your health plan so that they are covered.
Adding the child as a dependent or beneficiary in other parts of your life. For example, a flexible spending account, a life insurance policy, or a retirement account.
Requesting a commemorative greeting from the White House. It looks like the Trump administration might have discontinued this practice, but traditionally the White House will send a welcome greeting for new babies once they are born if you request it. We have one from President Obama for our son. Noting it here in case future presidents open up the practice again - I recommend doing a Google search to find out once your child is born.
Read my other blogs. These might also have some helpful tips for you:
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